What are your views on the ethics of kink?
This question I, and it appears others, struggled with – in what context are they asking question. Kink in terms of a lifestyle choice and the general morality of kinky action, or the ethics by which we play?
There are those who see sex as purely for the procreation of a species, they either don’t understand or believe it can be an activity that people can participate in for the simple reason of enjoyment or pleasure. Imagine the idea of sex that doesn’t revolve around, or quite often even involve, your cock. Well that’s just crazy talk!
Kink means lots of things to lots of people, role play, bondage, pain, sensations, sensory deprivation, objectification, humiliation (great one on ethics there), clothing. But there has to be something that is agreed in all aspects of kink play – consent.
And then you can get into quite a grey area – what does the consent cover, and when or how is it withdrawn? And what about the inherent risks associated with sex, and kinky sex? First of all, consent; for me I will always discuss interests, turn ons, turn offs, likes, dislikes and limits with any new sub. For new subs / sessions all limits are considered hard limits A hard limit being something that will not be done, will not be explored at all. A soft limit is something that a sub may not be comfortable with, but in the right headspace and time may wish to push that a little and explore it. That pushing requires trust, both of the sub trusting the Dom not to push too hard too far or fast and from the Dom trusting the sub to be able to communicate (both verbally and non-verbally as required), to understand that communication and to trust that they want those boundaries pushing.
This discussion sets the boundaries for a scene and gives both the consent to participate and explore within that session. And consent is immediately withdrawn on the use of an agreed safeword / signal that can be invoked by either party at any time they need without recourse, guilt or doubt. I will not play without a safe word.
But the consent shouldn’t just be given, it needs understanding of what is being given. What is likely to happen the risks associated with that. When you cross the road, you don’t just walk out into the road, you look & listen, you evaluate the situation and all the risks involved and take a decision on whether or not to cross.
Kink play is the same. And there are some acronyms that you will often see people refer to when talking about their kink play:
- SSC – Safe, Sane, Consensual
- RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink
- PRICK – Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink
In the most part SSC is the one I have seen used mostly, but I would say RACK would be my personal choice.
What is meant by “safe” and “sane”? They are both very subjective phrases, if fully discussed then that is good. For example; one person may consider taking ecstasy safe, or some forms of breath play is acceptable, or sucking cock without protection. But another could deem all of those very unsafe. So there needs to be discussion that both or all parties are of the same understanding and interpretation.
If we move onto RACK that shows you are aware of the risks of your kinky play, you know the potential risks and have accepted them, or put in place means by which you can minimise them or are prepared for what may happen. Having a pair of first aid kit scissors to cut through bondage ties for example, using panic snaps to aid quick and easy release, having padding underneath knees when kneeling for extended periods, using low temperature candles for wax play. You are aware of the risks and have consented to those activities and that play.
PRICK is an interesting one, similar to RACK but adding the fact you have chosen to take responsibility for the play and consequences. Gets into difficult legal grey areas, but also the responsibility isn’t just personal to you, it is the responsibility of all players.
However you play, however you establish consent you must make sure all parties agree and carry the same understanding as you. Yeah talking about this shit before play isn’t very sexy or erotic, but if you want to have a mind blowing good time, and hopefully more than once to build that connection this negotiation makes it all the more important.
Kink Shaming
One thing I would add to the talk of ethics is that of Kink Shaming.
Lots of people have different kinks, no one person will be turned on by all the kinks people have tried. And ultimately it is very hard to find 100% kink and fetish match ups. So we communicate and discuss, and we share what we like.
And often we find people are turned on and enjoy things we don’t understand, don’t like or are sometimes horrified by.
We deviants, perverts, kinksters, pornographers, escorts, whores, sluts, sissies, Sirs, boys, pups, subs, Doms, foot rests, horses, dogs, bitches, Mistresses, Masters, Daddies, Lords, Lady’s, Godesses, unicorns, dragons, slaves or whatever else you choose to call yourself. If you don’t like or agree with a fetish, label, title or aspect of someone’s play it is theirs to enjoy and that is ok.